the_vulture

 

So what about Them? I read a lot of rave reviews about this film and was enticed by descriptions of the cinematography, subtle manipulation of tension, the fact that it's based on real events, etc.

Sadly, any good points of this film are sucked away by the plot.

Yep, this was another story that would have ended far earlier (and far differently) if I had been the protagonist of the film. Worse still, the same would be true for quite a number of people I know. Some of the major reasons will become quite clear below.

WARNING: FILM SPOILERS

In horror cinema, there is a tradition of utilizing current fears to make a film terrifying to make a film appeal to its contemporary audience. In this tragic case, this has led to the following premise:

In a semi-rural forest region of Europe, stupid people are being removed from the gene pool by hoodies.

Yes, you read that right: hoodies, little, malicious, hoodie-wearing juvenile delinquents that are not all that far removed from the wretches I teach.

Considering that I am completely unafraid of the wretches who stand my height or taller (and make 'em do coursework, too, dammit!), is it any wonder I found the film hard to take seriously?

Now for the stupidity of the protagonists. Ever watch a film where you find yourself thinking "Oh bloody hell! You DESERVE to die for doing THAT!"? If this was anything close to the real events, then these folk deserve Darwin Awards. It's not that often I actually find myself thinking "Oh please just kill the protagonist and get it over with!"

Sadly, this film wasn't quite terrible enough to make me quit after the first ten minutes, so I wound up wasting about 90. Don't make the same mistake!

It's been a while since I've posted an entertaining tale from the classroom, but this one's worth waiting for.

I was teaching a group of year 11 boys it ICT (computer stuff). This group is ill behaved and one particular pupil (we'll call him "Mandeep") was becoming a major pain by snatching things out of my shirt pocket and nicking my employee pass card. He'd then hand these off to another pupil and I would have to go, from pupil to pupil, demanding my stuff back until whoever had it at the time finally gave in.

Truth be told, Mandeep and friends were not being malicious, but their amusement at the cost of my time and patience had become exceptionally aggravating and I decided it needed to end. It was time to teach Mandeep a lesson.

Mandeep snatched my pass card again and handed it off to someone else. Instead of asking for it back, I flatly told him that he would be responsible for getting it back to me. He exclaimed, as he had before, that he didn't have it. I explained that, regardless of whether or not he had it or not, as he had taken it, he would be responsible for all consequences should it not be returned to me.

"What do ya mean?" he asked, taking the bait.

I then began to elaborate,in a stern style, that, if I did not receive the card, he would be responsible for the cost of hiring a technician to reprogram the pass card system and replacing ALL of the staff pass cards.

Mandeep began to look a little nervous and began asking around for the card. Sometime later, he returned to me, explaining that no one would give it to him. I reiterated that he was responsible for getting it back. Nervously, he asked if he could expelled for this and I explained that, given his track record of bad behaviour at the school, expulsion was quite likely. He renewed his search in earnest.

Whilst Mandeep was occupied elsewhere in the room, I approached Mike, the pupil I suspected currently had the card, and asked him to return it. He refused, claiming that he didn't have it. In a low voice, I explained that, if he gave the card back, I wouldn't tell Mandeep that I had it. With a conspiratory grin, Mike handed it over.

With Mandeep out of my hair (and currently engaged in searching every corner of the room for the missing card), the rest of the class was spent productively assisting those who needed help with their current projects. Periodically, I would be interrupted by a nervous Mandeep, who would plead that he couldn't find the card. Each time, I would bluntly state "You took it; it's your responsibility to get it back."

Chance allowed me to play it up even further; I received a phone call on my mobile (set to vibrate) and stepped out of the class to answer it ('twas a call from my agency). Mandeep saw me re-enter the class whilst putting my phone back and, with some measure of trepidation, asked if I had called the head teacher. Without missing a beat, I assured him that, yes, I had, indeed, informed the head teacher of the situation. Mandeep asked again if I thought he would be expelled and I replied that it would be up to the head teacher to decide.

Mandeep's efforts to retrieve the card recommenced in earnest, beginning with another round of pleading with those pupils he thought might have it. They responded, quite emphatically (and this time with honesty), that they didn't have it and (as Mike had kept quite tight lipped about this) that they didn't know where it is.

Soon after, I was paid a visit by the head of year 11 (due, as I would discover later, by a chance miscommunication at the front office leading him to believe that there was a problem at my class). Again, taking advantage of the situation, I sternly asked if I could speak to him outside.

In the corridor, I showed him the card and then, loud enough for anyone in the class to hear, I explained the "situation" with Mandeep. He promptly came out of the class, perhaps to explain his side of the story or possibly to fish for sympathy. He was met, instead, by the convincingly harsh instruction to return to the class by the head of year. On seeing the look on Mandeep's face, it took all of the discipline learned during a summer acting course to keep from smiling. After Mandeep returned, the head of year flashed a canary eating grin; it seems that I was not the only one to appreciate the opportunity to give this class clown a taste of his own. The head of year then left to deal with other business.

I decided to let the charade continue till the end of the period, when I would then reveal that I had the card all along. I figured that letting sweat for most of the class would be far more effective in curbing that particular behaviour than any detention would.

It was near the end of the class, though, that this tale took a turn for the surreal.

I was assisting a pupil when I heard, from somewhere near the front of the room, Kelly, a particularly hard young man, state loudly "Brace yourself." With that warning, I turned around to see him punch Mandeep solidly in the side of the face. At first, I wasn't sure what had happened, as they both seemed quite posed, but the reaction from Mandeep was real enough. Assuming that this arose from some form of conflict, I quickly acted to make certain the two of them were separated. As I was doing so, however, Kelly quickly tried to explain that Mandeep wanted him to do so and that he did not "feel right" doing so. After talking further to both, it turned out that this was indeed the case; Mandeep, in a desparate bid to retrieve the card, went to Mike, whom he figured currently had it, and made a deal that, if he was struck by another pupil, Mike would give the card back. Mike, being an evil bastard (unbeknownst to me till then), allowed him to go through with it. He, of course, flatly denied making the deal.

I explained to Mandeep that, had I known this was happening, I would have ended this. I then revealed that I had card the whole time. I have never seen Mandeep look so down as he did then. Kelly even apologized and offered to let Mandeep hit him back (Mandeep declined).

Seeing that both boys had been through enough and did not want to carry the situation any further, I declined giving out detentions and simply wrote and filed an incident report, chalking it up to a random act of pupil stupidity.

My ploy had worked, however; since then, the snatching behaviour, from pupils in general, and Mandeep in particular, has greatly diminished. And, oddly, my rapport with both Mandeep and Kelly has improved substantially.

Yep, just another day at school...